Clients reviews

Wine reviews

Terra Serena – Piu Rabosello.

Jamie guzzled on the bottle of nearly flat sparkling water, the heat on the midday sun having a massive effect on his thirst.Mark threw him a basket of strawberries, some with earthy dirt still clinging to the sides.Jamie attacked the red fruit with aplomb, devouring three in one bite, replete with the calyxes still attached.“I need the roughage too. Haven’t pooed in the guts of a week,” Jamie offered.The first live interview of ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here’ got off to a rocky start.
glass.
The colour is strawberry, and darker than I thought it would be initially. Taste wise it is unassuming and subtle – there is a minerality in the aftertaste that leaves you wanting more!
For food pairings, I would recommend going with something spicy as a compliment to its freshness.

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Oliver and Greg’s Zinfandel Rose Review.

The empty bottle told its own tale. Tanya had guzzled it in her thirst for fulfillment.

Crossing the desert, she looked exhausted.

“How did you manage it on your own? With those strawberry jam shoes on?” asked Jack, her concerned father reeking of sweet plum.

“Crossing the Connemara desert in the midday Irish sun was tough,” she admitted.

“I was being sarcastic honey,” he replied. “It’s only a kilometre where you crossed.”

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Havalos Cabernet Sauvignon 2018 Review.

Nadine looked luciously upon the bowl of dried raisins, cranberries and smoke fuelled pepper lemon fruit.

This was dangled in front of her after 37 hours of TV deprived starvation of 12 contestants.

Only two remained.

Lucy sat back, comfortable knowing she was going to win.

Nadine was weak and teetering with fragility.

Until she tipped the bowl over Lucy’s head. And she gorged on the grub on her face.

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Dragonfly – Chenin Blanc 2019

Olivia grasped the metallic handle, carefully tipping the popcorn, sprinkled lightly with butter, into the large lemon coloured bowl.
She had tried something experimental in the heats, mixing honey into in the hot oil. This had infused a spectacular corn, winning over the judges thus far.
But now, she had added a final ingredient. Elderflower.
The judges weren’t smiling like before, but were running for buckets.

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Principato – Pinot Grigio 2019

Agnes pronounced the list in front of her, carefully taking her time with the “ch” and “ck” sounds of peach and apricot.
Her Mum Dorothy, tapped her foot on the oak floor, sucking on a lemon and lime sweet.
Agnes was learning new words from her 11-year-old peers, and Dorothy wanted to teach her how to speak properly to them.
Her teacher, Malachy, wasn’t convinced that these sounds were the best ones to start with.
“I want her to be able to say Cooking Itch!”
“Why Dorothy?” asked Malachy.

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Viento Norte – Sauvignon Blanc 2018.

Fernando picked up his shotgun from the earthy soil, his haze blurred by hours of supping
homemade hooch. Getting hit by fruit at 3am on the bonce wasn’t normal.
He swore that he saw the horse flinging a lemon, the pig throw a grapefruit and the donkey
thrusting a melon. It was dark though and he was unsteady on his feet.
Making his way indoors, he heard movement by the barn. Sheila, the gnarly chicken, had a
green apple in her mouth.
This was Animal Farm, Spanish style

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Santa Luz – Alba Sauvignon Blanc 2020.

Niamh steadied her hand holding the lemon, waiting for the hooter to go off.

Making an alternative mojito in world record time, she had to be quicker than the previous record of 31.4 seconds.

She scraped lemon peel, squashed sugar syrup, green apple, melon pieces and white rum and shook it like a mad yoke. Pouring it, she was conscious of the clock.

A passing seagull ruined it, dropping a stolen bit of cheese onto her arm, knocking the glass from her hand. Game over.

Until, she could try again in 5.

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Mar de Vinas – Albarino 2019.

“Stay still for fecks sake Ruben,” Ellie warned.

Ruben had fallen into a cactus patch, losing his footing during the ‘Californian Colour Run.’

This involved people throwing colour bombs at you, as you ran.

Ellie squeezed out a vanilla one, next a green apple, followed by pale green pear and finally the light suppleness of a gooseberry coloured spike.

Clearly, Ruben had avoided most colours other than green.

Costa Cruz – Tempranillo / Shiraz 2019.

It swirled and spilled over, the fluid pancake mix rocking under the vibes and momentum of the minor earthquake.

Cherry, raisin and pomegranate along with the mix flowed over the edges of the table, with Edgar and Emma underneath.

“The prance horses are gonna be annoyed that there’s no pancakes for tea,” she uttered.

“Fecking primadonnas,” muttered Edgar.

The door was hammered open by hooves. And snarling, hungry, flaring nostrils 15 hands tall.

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Martoccia Chianti 2013 Review.

Jack checked the horizon line, peering over no-man’s land.

The scrubland was littered with raspberry bushes in season, a fine waste of fruit amongst gunfire.

Gunter was well camouflaged on the far side, hidden amongst the smoke of battle. He thought that one shot would rattle Jack, knocking his coffee cup off the shelf from 200 feet away.

But Gunter wasn’t the best shot in the world, his bullet hitting a wet earthy mound six feet to Jack’s left.

This row over a fence was getting serious.

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Vignoble Muret – Picpoul de Pinet 2018

Bernard shaved the sour lime, carefully not exposing the raw fruit underneath. Pouring sparkling soda water and a dash of double cream into a bowl, he squeezed the fruit and quickly whisked the mixture. Adding peach schnapps gave it a kick. The acid and dairy put up a fight but submitted to his dexterity. Ms Shaw noted his ability. Being able to make desserts in the jungle was impressive. Especially wearing a loincloth.

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Tola – Nero d”Avola 2018

Hector would have to clean like a man possessed.

The stains remaining from Pat’s hungry wolfing of the cupboards and fridge, left the kitchen in absolute disarray.

Pat sat in his ill-fitting nappy, belly full and snoozing against the cupboard under the sink. Blackberry stain on the cream presses, cherry spludge on the floor tiles, milk chocolate smeared everywhere and an odd stick of vanilla in between his fingers, like a cigar.

Pat’s stag night wouldn’t be easily forgotten.

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Dominique Baud – Sauvignon Blanc 2017

Arlene was trying to impress her new boss, Ewan.

She cut his morning grapefruit into perfect segments, poured his Arabian coffee with hot milk and drizzled sour honey over his wholegrain toast. He sniffed some sort of appreciation, flicking his silk robe behind him as he sat down.
The seven year old son of a billionaire was hard to impress.

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100 Hectares – Curtimenta Branco 2018.

The spice on her tongue led Megan to fly out of the damp oakwood door, and dive into the exclusively sparkling water fountain.
“Drama queen, ” uttered Sam, the fashion journalist, within earshot.
The splashing water flew high, splashing on the thick brambles of blackberry and dry gooseberry. Megan kicked out, stubbing her toe but not wanting Sam to be right.
“And who’s wet now Sam?” retorted Megan. Her toe was most likely broken.

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Quinta da Lixa – Pouco-Comum Alvarinho 2019.

Terri supped her green apple infused chamomile tea, staring out at the slowly lapping waves
of the Pacific ocean. She felt Zen. Until she heard the familiar spurt and hiss of her sister-in-law’s dirty cream coloured 1985 Peugeot. Irene could spoil any gathering on her own. Irene didn’t like stairs though. And she would have to walk up those steps that straddled the
water.

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Chukkers – Malbec 2015.

Chris looked down from the mountain, spotting frozen blackberry bushes along the trail downhill. A snowball hit him on the left side of the face, his horse Jacoby recoiled from the assault. He knew it was Alison. Her subtle hint of mint and cherry wafted on the wind. She was devious and suggestive. More than just a half-sister.

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Dragonfly – Chenin Blanc 2011.

Olivia grasped the metallic handle, carefully tipping the popcorn, sprinkled lightly with butter, into the large lemon coloured bowl. She had tried something experimental in the heats, mixing honey into the hot oil. This had infused a spectacular corn, winning over the judges thus far. But now, she has added a final ingredient. Elderflower. The judges weren’t smiling like before, but were running for buckets.

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Passo Antico – Coltivate Con Passione Rosso 2018.

Percy didn’t like bacon or milk chocolate messes. Especially when they were mixed. Solly agreed, spooning several scoops of vanilla ice cream into his gluttonous gob. Neither of the well-heeled, poorly dressed mock-aristocrats realised they were being filmed, and live streamed. To a Mexican boot polisher. With castanets. And no clothes on.

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Sabatacha – Petit Verdot 2016

Nina thought about cream, then about goats cheese. Both would offset the spice and light pepper of the meal, disguising the main intention. She didn’t want to draw attention, especially since she hated her father-in-law. Instead she made a big deal of the $100 whiskey, distracting the fecker. If he drank enough of it, he would eat anything. Her goats would laugh at the irony of being involved. “

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Dois Terroirs Tinto 2015 Review.

Robbie didn’t have to think twice about leaving.

Folding and ironing his jocks and telling him she’d done so in front of his mates, was tough to take.

Camping out in the back garden amongst the oak trees, he gawked at the rations he’d managed to snag before absconding.

Vanilla soaked strawberries, a large bar of milk chocolate and a green apple were all he could grab in his twelve year old rage.

This standoff might last an hour or so.

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Amarelo Albarino.

Gary squirmed on the stool.

Ian shook his head.

Alan scratched his balding bonce.

Never had three alpha males felt so ill at ease. They had to make their own perfume, live on TV, in the reality show, Out Of Their Depth.

Ian had crushed fresh green apple.

Gary used the tips of his fingers to crunch elderflower stems.

Alan smashed his head into a chopped grapefruit, remaining still, hoping this was all just a bad dream.

He didn’t move.

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Eira Sao Miguel Tinto 2017 Review.

Jerry asked for a refill of black coffee, 3am on a Saturday morning, sitting alone at the counter of Eddie’s 24 hour diner.

“Give me 3 pancakes filled with black cherry, plum and top them off with cranberry sauce Rita,” he oozed. “And don’t be shy with the cream on the side either!”

Rita stood still, mouth agape, wondering why an eight year old, in full school uniform was in her diner, ordering food.

With no parents.

His smile was so disarming though.

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Finca del Alta Malbec  Review

Chuck chucked his food into his own gob far too quickly.

It wasn’t long before the acidity in his stomach grew.

Sipping pepper mint tea and guzzling Pepto Bismal, Chuck soon started to discolour from a plum coloured face to a more normal one.

Until his body thought otherwise when he started inhaling blackcurrant pie.

Then the Numbskulls took over and pressed the big red button. This fecker needed a heart attack for him to cop on.

He was 53 years old and was acting like a teenager

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When we Dance Chianti Review.

The pot boiled, then simmered, letting the aromas ooze through the contents.

Terri lifted the lid, assaulted by cherry, milk chocolate and upon tasting, the lingering taste of metal on the edges of her tongue.

“Get away from me pot of stew!” shouted an irritated Victor, clutching his ruby coloured walking stick, waving it threateningly.

“Grandad, it’s me, Terri. Sit your ass down for lunch.”

Donald, the golden retriever, barked in assent with Terri.

Victor listened.

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100 Hectares Red (Douro) 2018  Review.

The spice on her tongue led Megan to fly out of the damp oakwood door, and dive into the exclusively sparkling water fountain.

“Drama queen, ” uttered Sam, the fashion journalist, within earshot.

 The splashing water flew high, splashing on the thick brambles of blackberry and dry gooseberry. Megan kicked out, stubbing her toe but not wanting Sam to be right.

 “And who’s wet now Sam?” retorted Megan. Her toe was most likely broken.

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Duchess De Berry Bordeaux 2017.

The Peugeot hire car stalled, and eventually stopped, leaving Laura stuck by the side of a country road in misty September rain.

Her French was terrible but her plum umbrella was strong. Help would arrive in thirty minutes.

Venturing out onto the verge, she saw blackcurrants and blackberries still growing on the ditches. Alone with her thoughts, she came to a metal fence.

George didn’t see or hear her approach.

He pooped and mooed at the same time. Shock, pure shock enveloped him.

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Elisabeth French wine blend 2015.

Anne fell out of her cream hammock, face first into the sand.

Derek, her oblivious husband, was on his phone six feet away with his gut hanging out facing the sea.

She brushed off her clothes, thirsty to quell the hot Caribbean sun.

The figure of a Greek God appeared at the bar, shaking his coconuts.

Manuel shook his shaker, twirling it high.

“Let me fix you something Ms Anne,” he purred. He prepared a cocktail of green apple, passion fruit and vodka.

“You had me at passion Manuel.”

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Oliver and Gregs Merlot.

Fiachra recoiled, surprised initially by the acidity of the lemon infused dessert.

The mellowness that followed led him to investigate further.

He took another bite, wedging the fork into the second piece, tasting mild hints of strawberry jam in the middle of the thin layers.

This was getting better with each mouthful.

This was a good cake for a seven year old boy called Adam. Who smiled through missing front teeth.

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Domaine Passion des Dames Cotes Du Rhone.

Johnny licked his lips, tasting the faint undertone of plum lip gloss.

Kim left him thinking, as she walked away winking.

“One kiss and I have that impact near your eh, pockets?” she asked.

“Eh, no, love. It’s a bag of mushrooms. I was out sticking me fingers in the earthy soil earlier.”

“Ooh, baby, talk dirty to me.”

“Okay so. Oil. Muck.”